Let Brunch be Brunch

“Hey, are you free for brunch tomorrow?”

“Absolutely. Where?”

“My place. I’m making cinnamon rolls and frying eggs. Be here at noon.”

I cancel the plans on principle alone.

How did we get so far off track? The creation of the word “brunch” set us up so perfectly for a clear understanding of its expectations. Not quite breakfast, not exactly lunch. Somewhere in between, a cozy lack of commitment to rising early for breakfast or accepting that the day is already half over (for lunch).

And yet. We treat this masterpiece of language with uncivilized carelessness.

I have had too many invitations to twelve o’ clock brunches to continue believing that I live in a governable society.

“Brunch” is deserving of its place among the elegantly efficient portmanteaus, as these blend words are called. “Skort”, a skirt/short combination that’s the best of each. “Cruffin”, an easy seller, because who doesn’t want the flakiness of a croissant in the convenient shape of a muffin (whether it’s for breakfast, brunch, or a snack)? “Spanglish” is of course the lively mix of the Spanish and English languages. And my own creation “elepants” refers to my business casual slacks adorned with the trunked mammal.

Clever. Easily interpreted. Absolutely delightful to the mind, on the tongue, and in the ear.

So why this butchery of the use of brunch? It is reckless, confusing. I no longer know what I’m signing up for when I agree to have brunch with someone.

Brunch is meant to be 9AM-11AM. If you place your order before 9:00 in the morning, what you are experiencing is breakfast. If it’s 11:01AM or later and you’re still perusing the options, you better confirm you’re looking at the lunch menu, because brunch is off the table.

Sitting down to a plate of food at 9AM is dipping a toe into the late breakfast territory. By this time, assuming I’ve had my regular, sanely-timed 7AM breakfast, I’m already thinking of my next meal. So if it’s 9:00 or later in the morning and you haven’t yet broken your fast for the day, consider this brunch.

Noon is the official start of lunchtime. It is acceptable to eat lunch at 1:00 or even 2PM (known as late lunch since we don’t yet have a good portmanteau for lunch/dinner/supper). But an 11:00 lunch is considered an early lunch, ie, still in the realm of breakfasttime, so this is technically brunch.

Now, what we enjoy for this brunch meal is more flexible. In most cases, dishes should not be limited to a particular time of day. Have a bagel with any (or no) topping. Sip a milkshake and call it a smoothie. Your taco fillings are not limited to the breakfast variety, of course, because we are creeping in on lunchtime. Crepes, waffles, and sandwiches are all permissible. Eat a steak, ideally with an egg thrown onto it to really toe the breakfast line. I’ll allow a bowl of cereal, at least until I write my piece about re-categorizing that to dessert.

Eat what you want, when you want. But if you’re calling it brunch while the hands are outside the 9-11 ticks, then I hope you find eggshell in your omelet.